Hi, Rick Green here, I want to offer a suggestion about what you can do to help in a crisis, not the asteroid heading towards earth kind of crisis.

But you know, when someone you know is going through tough times, when we’re feeling overwhelmed by stress, depression, anxiety, barely managing our own challenges.

It’s hard to be there for others isn’t it?

Well that’s why I have this suggestion, when a friend or a family member receives a serious diagnosis, or is dealing with a big loss, it’s natural to want to help, but it’s also natural to feel helpless at some points.

Helpless to help, when you’re depressed your tank feels empty, even when you’re doing okay it’s hard to know what to say to someone who’s dealing with a serious illness, or the loss of a job, loss of a partner, a pet, family member.

It can feel kind of awkward and uncomfortable. So we send some heart emojis, you’re in my thoughts and prayers, and then we tend to scroll on, and it’s understandable we can only handle so much bad news, and it takes something to deal with uncomfortable feelings.

My white Anglo-Saxon Protestant family were not particularly adept at handling the dark messy stuff. I would feel paralyzed, I’d change the subject, offer platitudes, make some jokes to break the ice.

I became very adept at avoiding the elephant in the room. Lucky for me my wife comes from an extended family, it’s a mix of Swedish, Ukrainian, Polish.

These people know what to do, for example years ago an amazing person that we know hit the wall, he had what they, I guess what they used to call a nervous breakdown.

Now at the time no one knew, it was right out of the blue and it was quite scary, they’re in hospital, he’s there alone.

So my wife baked up potato salad and a bunch of other comfort food, and I drove into the City and delivered it to their house. His wife and daughter answered the door and I held up this big casserole dish and I said we thought you could use some good food, and they just they just burst into tears, and to be clear this woman is an amazing cook, and they’re very well off, they could have afford to have food brought, in fact they probably did have food brought in.

But this so moved them, and of course it moved me, and it moved my wife, when I came home and told her I’m sure everyone they knew had said to them if there’s anything they can do, but it turned out we were the only ones to actually do something.

Their gratitude, that feeling of we’re not alone, it was profound, I still get a little misty thinking about it.

When someone was going through a tough time I used to tell them, if there’s anything we can do just call me, however no one ever called.

Why? Why don’t we call? I know when people offered for me to help out, or to be there, I never called.

Why? Well I guess there’s some shame that we’re struggling, maybe we’re embarrassed to ask for help, especially guys.

Could be that you’re struggling with low self-esteem at that point, depression, you can’t see beyond because you’re so turned in there, and of course maybe you’re just Canadian and you don’t want to be a problem.

Listen, sending thoughts and prayers and hug emojis is great, flowers are nice, but a lasagna that they could heat up when they’re too exhausted to cook might make more of a difference.

To flip it around, I became aware of the positive impact of receiving help last year my wife Ava went into the hospital, day surgery, she came home 21 days later, 16 pounds lighter, weak as a kitten, there were complications one after another.

Friends and family were very supportive online, let us know if we can help, but I never took up the offers, I never asked.

My son and daughter came over for a few days, which was great, and after calling several times to check in one of Ava’s 927 cousins invited me and my son to Easter dinner.

Instead of another winter evening alone in an empty house, doing busy work to avoid worrying and thinking.

I didn’t want to go but she made a whole banquet of plant-based stuff for me, and well it’s going to be a break for a few hours so I said okay, and it was great and then Ava’s brother and his wife dropped off turkey soup, I don’t eat meat but after 15 days of my own cooking I added a ton more vegetables and I ate the boiled bird.

The point is you don’t have to wait to be asked, you could just call and tell them what you’d like to do, or what you’re going to do, and then show up, but I would call ahead let them know in case they already have eight lasagnas, and be prepared that they’re going to say oh no that’s okay you don’t have to, do it anyway.

There are so many things you can do, bring good food, bring healthy treats, you could take their dog for a walk, or take it for the day, take their kids for an hour, or a day, or a weekend, relieve their caregiver just for a few hours, show up with a duster and the vacuum cleaner, clean their apartment, mow their lawn, drive them to their appointments, wash their car, drive their spouse to the appointment, do their laundry, stock their fridge, drop off some books, some uplifting books, or better still sit and read to them.

You could even just be there with them in silence, today was a difficult day said Winnie the Pooh, there was a pause do you want to talk about it asked Piglet? No said Pooh after a bit, no I don’t think I do, that’s okay said Piglet, and he came and sat beside his friend, what are you doing asked Pooh, nothing really said Piglet only I know what difficult days are like, I quite often often don’t feel like talking about it on my difficult days either, but goodness Piglet continued, difficult days are so much easier when you know you’ve got someone there for you, and I’ll always be there for you Pooh, and as Pooh sat there working through in his head his difficult day, while the solid reliable Piglet sat next to him, swinging his little legs he thought that his best friend had never been more right.

And of course there’s hugs, nothing better than hugs, so if and when you are struggling, suffering, snowed under, overwhelmed, ask for help, it’ll be hard to do I understand, I know you don’t want to, I know you think it’s an imposition, you’re embarrassed, people want to help trust me.

I see it all the time in our chat rooms, and it is so moving, in fact research has shown that deep happiness comes from help helping others, being a contribution, letting other people step up and help you through tough times, it’s going to make them feel better, rather than feel like helpless bystanders, which is just the worst feeling. So try it and let me know in the comments the difference someone has made for you, or that you’ve made for someone by taking the initiative and doing something that made a difference.